What To Do When You Can’t Have An Orgasm – Isiah McKimmie

Orgasms are awesome! Except when we’re not having them. Then orgasms are frustrating and disappointing.


It’s likely we would all want better sex and more orgasms if we thought it was possible.


So what can you do if you’re not able to reach orgasm on a regular basis – or even at all?


First, let’s look at some stats. It might seem like you’re the only one in the world not having orgasmic sex, but it’s important to know that you’re not alone.


  • 30% of women struggle to reach orgasm on a regular basis.
  • 10% of sexually active women have never had an orgasm at all.


If we believe popular culture and porn, we get the impression that women orgasm quickly, easily and loudly.


But this just isn’t true.


Orgasms for women can be more complicated that we’re led to believe and there are a number of things that can impact our ability to have an orgasm.


 Here are some of the most common reasons women fail to reach orgasm:


      • Not enough time spent in foreplay
      • Subconscious negative beliefs around sex
      • Lack of good sex education
      • Poor sexual communication
      • Underlying relationship challenges
      • Being tired or stressed
      • Prescribed medications or alcohol


It’s important to know that just because you’ve never had an orgasm, it doesn’t mean you never will.


We can all learn to have orgasms more frequently, reliably and enjoyably. We often just need the right information and a bit of guidance.


Of course, sex doesn’t need to end in orgasm to be enjoyable, satisfying and loving, but I’m sure we’d all like to experience sex climaxing to orgasm sometimes.


Here are some things to try when you can’t or struggle to reach orgasm


1. Shift your Mindset


Examine any underlying beliefs you might have about sex and your right to enjoy it that may have been influenced by your family, culture or religion.


Remind yourself that you DESERVE to enjoy yourself.


2. Get good sex education


Educate yourself on how women’s bodies function sexually. There is a lot to learn and often we aren’t taught effectively or we miss out on important information.


Develop realistic ideas of what orgasm ‘should’ or will feel like – orgasms feel different to everyone and can sometimes be small. Women orgasm in a variety of different ways.


3. Learn what you like 


Take your time exploring what feels good for you. Everybody is different.


Try to let go of the focus on orgasm and instead just focus on pleasure. It’s about the journey, not the destination.


Remember to let you partner know what you enjoy too. Communication really is key when it comes to having great sex.


4. Take your time


It takes women’s bodies time to fully prepare for sex. When you are having sex, make sure you’re spending at least 15 minutes in foreplay to increase your chances of reaching orgasm.


5. Experiment with toys 


Vibrators can be a great help in learning to orgasm – or having an orgasm with a partner more often.


I regularly direct my clients to Mojoco toys to try out in combination with the work we’re doing in coaching.


A clitoral vibrator like Je Joue Mimi used during penetration sex with a partner is a great way to increase the likelihood of reaching orgasm.


6. Get support


Relationship Coaching and Sex Therapy has been shown to be 90% effective in helping women reach orgasm for the first time. If you are struggling to reach orgasm on a regular basis, a therapist or coach can help you work through hurdles and give you practical tips for moving forward.


A struggle to reach orgasm really can bring you and your partner closer together as you explore, experiment, and communicate with each other.


resized-bio-imageIsiah McKimmie

Isiah is a Relationship Therapist, Sexologist and Tantra Teacher passionate about helping women and couples embrace wholehearted sexuality and ignite deeper intimacy in their lives. Isiah offer Sex and Relationship Coaching in Sydney and via Skype. Visit her website to find out more and download her free ebook for couples.

Isiah McKimmie Website